


going down swinging

by VampireSpider



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: F/F, Found Family, Rule 63, Self-Indulgent, eastenders-levels of violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-07-29 08:57:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20079559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampireSpider/pseuds/VampireSpider
Summary: The problem is, she's always had a soft spot for Ben Mitchell.(Essentially: butch lesbian Ben Mitchell and disaster bi Lola Pearce.)





	1. just a notch in your bedpost

**Author's Note:**

> Does this exist solely for me? Almost certainly. But butch lesbian Ben Mitchell occurred to me and then it was like I couldn't shake it. 
> 
> I am a peripatetic Eastenders watcher, so this includes bits of Lola and Ben's canonical history as they suit the story, but isn't totally loyal to the show. 
> 
> Obviously title + chapter titles are from Fall Out Boy's Sugar We're Going Down, because if you're going to lean in to your adolescent self, why not lean hard?

  1. just a notch in your bedpost

They fuck after Paulie’s funeral – up against the wall in the Arches, Lola rutting against Ben’s thigh with her fingers inside Ben. Ben screams into her neck as she comes, leaving wet patches all over Lola’s throat, her shoulders, her face.

Afterwards, Ben can’t stop crying and Lola keeps seeing that picture in her mind from the wake: Paulie and Ben, smiling at each other, Paulie’s curls and laughing eyes and the way Ben’s hand was wrapped around hers like she never wanted to let go.

Ben’s never looked at her like that. Not like she was special. Not like she was worth coming out for, braving the world for.

She squeezes Ben tighter as she thinks it, lets the sobs wrack her as well as Ben, even though her eyes are dry. 

\--

The next day, she tells Jay she’s taking Lexi and going. Jay looks at her with his big haunted eyes, red lines visible, and she hates herself a little for walking out on him, for walking out on Ben. They’re both so messed up right now, but she can’t. She can’t.

“Is it something I did?” he asks, in a small voice, swallowing, “because I can try harder, I know I’m fucked up, but what about Ben? She needs you now, you know what a state –“

“I slept with her,” Lola says, surprising herself. “Yesterday. After the funeral. It wasn’t – we’ve done it before. Before she was with Ally. Before Paulie.”

Jay just stares at her for a long moment. “You and – you and Ben?” He stutters, eventually. “But you ain’t even – you ain’t –“

Lola sighs. “I like both. I do really like you, I fancy you, but Ben – I can’t be here. I can’t.” And Jay’s face is falling, tears welling up and Lola wonders how long its been since he slept. Another wave of guilt overtakes her and she darts forward to hug him. “I’m sorry,” she says over and over and over. He clings to her for what feels like hours, but probably isn’t, and then pushes her away.

“And you’re just walking out on us?” His mask is back in place and she’s reminded that for all Jay loves her, Ben is his sister, she’s family, and she’ll always come first. Lola gets it.

“Come visit me,” she says. “Please?”

\--

She doesn’t let Ben know she’s leaving, turns off her phone and watches the world pass by through the bus window, Lexi asleep at her side.

\--

She hasn’t seen Ben for over two years when she turns up in Northumberland, and Lola almost slams the door in her face. But Ben puts her boot across the threshold and smiles up at her, and fuck, Lola is still weak to her. Particularly now: it’s been two years and Ben must have been working out, because she’s more muscled, broader somehow, her hair buzzed short and she’s wearing contacts, and when she smiles at Lola, it’s really easy to forget how messed up Ben has made her, how messed up they’ve made each other.

“I have a business proposition,” Ben says, with no preamble, and Lola rolls her eyes, but she lets her come inside.

\--

Lexi doesn’t recognise Ben, not really - “Spain’s been good to you then,” Lola says and the corner of Ben’s mouth curls up into a smirk. “You don’t wanna know,” she says - but she warms up to her immediately. 

“You have boy’s hair,” Lexi tells her and Ben laughs. 

“Nah, I’m pretty sure it’s mine,” Ben says, “feel it.” She leans down and lets Lexi stroke it, and after that, Lexi can’t get enough, hanging round Ben’s neck and chattering on. Lola watches them carefully while the kettle boils and she makes the teas. 

“So spill,” she says, sipping her tea as Ben and Lexi mess around on the floor.

“Dad,” Ben says and then remembers herself. “Phil. I found his weakness.”

Lola closes her eyes. She should have guessed. Ben’s chip on her shoulder is 90% her dad - her dad who wanted a son so bad he gave his daughter a boy’s name and never respected her, no matter how hard she got, how many times she got into fights or broke the law for him. And Phil is trouble on his own; Ben and Phil is an explosion waiting to happen and if she had any sense, she wouldn’t let herself or Lexi get anywhere near this mess.

And then Ben grins up at her from the floor, her eyes hooded and wicked, and Lola sighs. 

“So what’s the plan?” she says.

\--

Ben makes the parameters pretty clear: they go in, they get the money, they go. No more than a couple of months.

  
“And you’ll get to see Jay again,” Ben says, eyebrows raised. “He’s missed you.”

Despite herself, Lola can’t help the way her stomach drops. She doesn’t say anything. Jay’s been up semi-regularly to see Lexi, and there’s not been any clear evidence of him pining in all that time, but Ben thinking she’s coming back for Jay is easier. Means Ben has less power over her.

“Yeah?” She says.

“Yeah,” Ben agrees. “I was always sad you two didn’t make it. Felt like having part of the family missing.”

Lola swallows, swallows again and looks at Ben and Lexi, still sat on the floor together, Lexi beaming up at Ben, and thinks: family. I could do with family.


	2. but you're just a line in a song

  1. but you’re just a line in a song

Three months back in Walford, and Ben’s – well, Ben is reverting to type. It had been all right in the beginning: Ben in the Arches, doing her best to sniff out Phil’s money, find their way out. And the salon was fine, it was fun really – for all her reluctance, it had been nice to be back in familiar surroundings, and Kathy’s a godsend for babysitting. And well, Ben. Ben had taken to parenting more than Jay ever had, which Lola doesn’t fully understand, not really, but nothing was too much for Lexi, Ben bending over backwards to make her smile. Once, Lola had come home to find Ben, Elmer book in hand, Lexi asleep on her, and Ben just watching her. And it didn’t matter, not really, that the night before, Ben had rolled in at midnight smelling of another girl.

Except something has flipped, and Ben is out all hours, coming home bruised and beaten and stinking of alcohol. When she comes home after Pride, looking like she’s near dead, Lola tells her to sleep it off at Jay’s. Ben looks at her, her bottom lip swollen and tender, looks up at her with those fucking eyes, but Lola stands firm.

“I don’t want you round my daughter looking like that,” she says, and Ben’s face crumples, but she turns and goes.

It’s not until she wakes up the next morning she realises.

“Ben, I’m sorry,” she says when she tracks her down at a bar two days later. Ben looks somehow worse still, her face swollen and yellowing with bruises, cuts everywhere. She barely acknowledges Lola when she sits down next to her. “Ben,” Lola says, reaching out to grab her hand, the one she wears the ring on. “I get it, yeah, I got it. I’m sorry.”

She’d seen Ben’s bare finger, tattoo removed, as they were driving down from Northumberland. She hadn’t asked, hadn’t wanted to. There are no pictures of Paulie in their home, there’s no sign of her anywhere in Ben’s life, not really, and Lola – she’d wanted to believe that Ben had forgotten, had moved on.

Sometimes, Lola thinks, she’s too good at seeing what she wants to see. “I miss her too, you know.”

That makes Ben look at her, blinking blearily. “Really?” she sneers, “Do you?” She takes another drink, wincing as the glass hits the cut on her lip. “Do you dream of her dead body? Of watching her getting beaten? Of her telling you what you already know – that you were never good enough, that you shouldn’t have gone near?”

“Paulie loved you,” Lola says, because it’s true – God, at the time it broke her heart, because she did like Paulie, really, it was impossible not to, it was just that Ben complicated things, she always did. And it had hurt, how open Paulie was, how obviously and clearly and honestly she’d loved Ben and been loved right back, when all Lola had ever got was sneaking kisses and both of them pretending it hadn’t happened afterwards. “She wouldn’t want this for you, Ben. She loved you and she thought you were brilliant, and she would want you to be happy.”

Ben laughed, her voice thick with tears she wasn’t crying. “Yeah, after I left her to die?”

Lola squeezed her hand harder. “You can’t do this to yourself, Ben. You don’t deserve this.” She wants suddenly, desperately, to reach out, to hug Ben, but in this mood, she’ll get shaken off, so she settles for holding her hand. “And if you get yourself killed, Lexi will never forgive you.”

That startles a laugh out of Ben, then. “You think she’d miss me?” Ben asks and makes eye contact for the first time. And her eyes are still red, her face still messed up, but the slight smile still gets Lola. She ducks her head.

“She might be the only one, but yes. You’ve charmed her somehow.” And the smile grows into something like Ben’s normal smirk.

“Just her? You’re not even a little charmed,” she says and gives Lola a once over. Lola rolls her eyes.

“Nah, I stopped being charmed by you when I was 16,” she says. “I’m just here for Lexi.” Ben pouts at her, and Lola can’t help it. She smiles. “Oh, fine, I suppose I would be a little sad if you weren’t around.” And it is worth it for the way Ben’s eyes go soft, just a little, as she leans forward to press a kiss to Lola’s cheek.

“Lesbians!” Someone shouts from behind them and Ben snaps back, mask firmly back in place. “Go on,” she says and Lola opens her mouth to protest, but Ben gives her a level, warm look. “I’ll come home, I promise, all right?”

Lola’s known Ben forever. She knows when the argument’s lost.

When Ben comes back two hours later, propped up by Billy, she looks uncertain. “I can go to Jay’s,” she says when Lola opens the door. Kathy’s hovering behind, wringing her hands.

Lola sighs. “I’ll take her,” she says to Billy, letting him transfer Ben’s weight onto her shoulders. Ben’s weight is warm and surprisingly soft against her, even though she stinks of booze.

“I can take her,” Kathy says and Ben says, “Hey, I can still hear,” and Lola rolls her eyes at both of them.

“I’ve got this,” she says to Kathy. “I’ve got you,” she says to Ben, moving her upstairs slowly. Ben does very little to help their progress, but she lolls her head on Lola’s shoulder, breathing against her throat, and Lola doesn’t really remember how they get to her bedroom.

“Wrong room,” Ben says, raising an eyebrow. Lola flips her off from where she’s tugging off her boots. The battering must have really taken it out of Ben, though, because it’s the last comment she makes as Lola gets her down to her underwear, as she cleans the blood of Ben’s face with a flannel. All Ben does is wince when Lola puts the TCP on her cuts.

It makes Lola press down harder. “Maybe remembering this will stop you getting in trouble,” Lola says. Ben grins at that.

“You’ve always had too high an opinion of me,” she says and Lola grunts. She rolls Ben over and presses herself up behind her, putting her arm round her and pulling her close. She feels Ben breathe. Ben’s so different from the last time Lola and her slept together. Her body is broader, more solid, not the nervy, barely contained angry energy of her younger self, but like a coiled spring. The kind of strength that can fight back, Lola thinks, and hugs Ben tighter, her hand on the belly that Ben can’t quite seem to lose. She is surprised to feel tears coming to her eyes where her face is pressed against Ben’s nape.

They lie there for long moments, breathing together, and when Ben breaks, it’s quiet; wet gasping sobs that seem to barely escape her throat and Lola holds her and keeps holding her through it.


	3. down, down in an earlier round

3\. down, down in an earlier round

The next morning, Lola wakes up before Ben, rolls out of bed, and gets Lexi ready for school. She makes a cup of tea for Ben and leaves it on the kitchen table. When she comes back after dropping off Lexi, the tea’s been drunk.

That night, Ben creeps in at 11. She smells of alcohol, and of some girl’s perfume, but there’s not the slightest hint of blood, and Lola lets Ben crawl into her bed, hold her.

That morning, Lola wakes up a lone. She stretches, feeling the after-effects of the tension she’s been holding for months now working its way out of her body. God, she’d missed this; sharing a bed with someone, the sound of their breathing in the night, the warmth of them. The bed smells of sweat and alcohol, but under that, Ben’s smell is familiar and Lola feels tempted to stay there, indulge herself a little. If Ben gets to go out drinking, getting herself beat up, sleeping with whoever, then maybe Lola gets to stay in bed, just this once, not have to deal with all the other stuff.

Except, of course, there’s Lexi and that’s not how it works; Ben has issues and Lola copes. So she gets herself up and makes her way downstairs. 

Ben’s in the kitchen with Lexi, who’s dressed for school and making an absolute mess of her cornflakes. Ben looks up as she comes in and half-smiles. If Lola didn’t know her any better, she’d say it was apologetic. 

“Was going to bring you up your brew,” Ben says, handing her a mug. Lola looks from the mug to her and takes it slowly. 

“Who are you and what have you done with Ben Mitchell?” she says, bumping Ben with her hip. Ben grins at her a little.

“Trying something new,” she says. “I can drop Lexi off on my way to the Arches, if you want?”

Lola looks at her assessingly. “Your mum.” Ben snorts. “Jay.”

“Is it so impossible to believe you might have got through to me?” Ben asks her, not making eye contact, and Lola tries very hard to ignore the old, familiar thrill that goes through her. “Anyway, if you’d rather I didn’t…”

Lola waves her hand. “No, go ahead. Might treat myself to a bath.“ She takes a sip of her tea, which is brewed exactly how she likes it. “You can pick her up as well, if you like.”

“What do you think Lexi? Think you can handle hanging out with me twice in one day?” Ben asks, grinning down at Lexi. She grins back up at her, throwing her arms around Ben’s legs. 

“Yay!” she says and Ben puts her arms in the airs, pulling a ridiculous face. Even with the scars and bruises still visible, it’s hard to imagine this Ben as the one from the bar. The look on her face is pure adoration, open and vulnerable in way Ben hasn’t been since – 

Lola grimaces and wishes she hadn’t thought it. “So that’s a day off for mum, then?” she says to Lexi and isn’t surprised when Lexi laughs, clinging closer to Ben’s legs. 

\--

Lola gets off early, the time she’d normally go pick up Lexi. She keeps her phone on, just in case Ben forgets or gets drunk or gets dragged into some drama at the Arches, but it doesn’t ring and doesn’t ring and eventually, she decides that Ben probably managed pick up and everything on her own. 

Thinking about that too much makes her insides feel weird and fizzy, and she pushes the image of Ben at the school gates away and goes out.

She ends up, unsurprisingly, at the funeral home. Callie’s at the desk when she gets in and she smiles up at Lola. Callie’s an odd duck, Lola thinks – sweet and innocent, but like there’s something else going on underneath. She’s been out with Ruby, Chantelle and her a couple of times, and every time she’s nice enough, blushing as she talks about White and their upcoming wedding, shy when talking about her time in the army. Skittish and a bit scared, although Lola supposes that’s not surprising, given her brother.

“Jay in?” she asks. Callie frowns up at her.

“Uhh, yes, I mean, no, but he should be back –“

She’s cut off by Jay clattering in the door. He smiles brightly at Lola, and for a brief moment, Lola wishes she didn’t love him too much to go another round with him. It would be such a nice distraction, and then she remembers why she’s there. 

“Jay!” she says, bright and cheery. He looks at her warily.

“What does Ben want?” he asks and Callie ducks her head. Lola widens her eyes. 

“Rude,” she says, “can’t I just drop by to say hi?”

Jay rolls his eyes. “You can, but you ain’t in the habit of doing it,” he says, glancing at his wrist. “Don’t you need to go pick up Lexi?”

It’s Lola’s turn to roll her eyes. “Ben’s doing it. Hence why I’ve come to take you out for a drink.”

“Ben’s picking up Lexi?” Jay says slowly. It’s not often that he asserts himself as Lexi’s dad – most of the time, he’s happy to abide by Lola’s rules and let her parent. “And she’s…who, in the eyes of the school?”

“Lexi’s aunt,” Lola says without hesitation. “Do you want a drink or not?”

Jay bobs his head eventually. “All right, all right,” he says, “I guess I can be tempted. We’ll be closing up in a bit anyway. Callie, you fancy it?” Callie’s eyes widen almost comically, and Lola’s tempted to laugh her, she looks so frozen.

Still, she’s here on a mission, at least a bit, so just before they leave, she asks, “You wouldn’t happen to have any pictures of Paulie, would you?”

Jay stops dead, eyes going wide. “Oh.” He turns on his heels as Callie says, “Is that Ben’s – I mean, she used to, she was –“ apparently unable to finish her sentence.

“I forgot,” Jay says, sounding appropriately distressed, “I can’t believe I forgot.”

“It’s all right,” Lola says, striding across to wrap her hand around his wrist. “Hey, it’s all right. I forgot too. But Ben – she’s, she’s erased everything about Paulie, you know, and I want – I want her to have something. Something to remember her by.” Jay looks up at her and they look at each for a long moment, and it’s all of their shared history, theirs and Ben’s.

And then Callie says, “she used to have her name tattooed on her finger didn’t she?” Lola and Jay both turn to look her. Callie goes bright red. “She, uh, she mentioned it at the – you know, when me and White’d just moved in?”

Jay winces at the memory. “Oh, she was so drunk,” she says as she rummages in a drawer, pulling out two photo frames.

One is the photo from the wake, Paulie and Ben together and in love. Lola wants to be the bigger person, but the thought of having that one…the other one is all of them together, her and Jay and Ben and Paulie, taken on a night out. They all look silly, young and trying to style it out for the camera. It makes Lola’s heart ache a bit, but this one is perfect.

“Wow, Ben’s changed a lot, hasn’t she?” Callie says. Lola whips around, not sure how she got so close. Callie’s eyes widen. “Sorry, sorry,” she says and Lola shakes her head.

“You’re all right, Cal,” she says, “yeah, it’s – the last three years have long, haven’t they?” She looks at this Ben, skinny and gangly still, glasses perched on her nose, and her heart hurts. This is her Ben still, in some ways, the Ben who she’d kissed at 16 and then not spoken to for three days because she’d been so confused about what the hell had happened, who’d threatened to punch Paulie for knocking her over and then got her number later. 

\--  
Jay takes her and Callie out for a drink. They end up regaling Callie with tales of their misspent youth, her and Jay and Ben, like the three musketeers back then, and Callie listens, laughing in the right places and not appearing to get bored despite the fact that she must wonder who half the people they mention are. 

An hour in, Lola gets a text. It’s a picture of Lexi, holding up a picture she’s coloured in. There’s three figures in the picture; Lexi, short and colourful, holding her hand – Lexi’s coloured her hair bright yellow, like a halo around her face. The third person is all in grey and black, short black hair standing up on top of her head, but she’s got a big smile on her face and she’s holding Lola’s hand. 

‘Lex did family pix in school’ the text says, neutral as anything, but it still makes Lola smile. Just over a month ago, when Ben was out every night and not talking to Lola, Lexi had come home and asked why she couldn’t have two mums. “Cassie has two mums, and I already live with you and Ben,” Lexi had pointed out in that logical tone she sometimes got. Lola had laughed and dismissed it.

“You got a fella?” Jay asks, interrupting her. She looks up quickly, turning her screen off. “You got that look on your face, you know – Callie gets the same sometimes, looking into the middle distance. Thinking of White.”

Lola ducks her head, hating that she can feel her cheeks go red. When she looks up, Callie is blushing too.


End file.
